I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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