my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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