I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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