highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
