hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
