Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize