I think my fart just growled at me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
