you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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