I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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