Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize