My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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