Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
