cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
