How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
