just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
