epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
