I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize