How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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