Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
