Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We smell like vodka and hangover
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