I feel great
I just peed on a car
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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