Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize