i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Let's get the cat blown out
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
