My hair reeks of homosexuality.
this just has baby written all over it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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