omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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