Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
