Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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