There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
