They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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