well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
