They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
