There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
