i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
