Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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