The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
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