I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
