I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
