1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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