he told me I talked like a deaf person
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
