She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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