Pants 0. Shit 1.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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