just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
