My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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