If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
