apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
