bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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