I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
