So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
