after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
