i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize