You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
