just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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