My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
