oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We left the knife in your bed.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
