I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
