i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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