she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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