I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
