I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
